Measure of Mortality

There comes a time in every person's life when he's faced with the reality of just where he is in his journey of life, what side of the mountain, so to speak. Whether he is still going uphill yet to reach the zenith, or perhaps missed it because instead of some monumental peak, it was more an unremarkable plateau that made no distinguishing impact on his psyche, missing it almost entirely as the zenith it actually was.

It's like being at an amusement park always knowing that "during the day" at some point, one will give in and wait in the infinitely long line to ride that top-billed thrill ride in order to experience a true peak in excitement, yet, postponing until the line is not so long, only to find that the day has been spent. Discovering instead that the plateau of semi-exciting rides is what one has opted for instead, and having to come to terms with the quickly setting dusk. Do you get in line at that point? Risking what there is left to experience that peak?

I've been handed a harsh dose of reality at this point in my life, as many do in their early forties, and I've always been a thrill-rider. Never lamenting the time wasted inching along even as the zenith of a day passes, knowing that the two or three moments I've risked so much for will always be worth the many mild pleasures that could have filled what can only be called a vacuum of life instead of living itself. I'm not the hugest risk-taker, mind you. I would never hop on a ride with a higher mortality than survival rate, lol, but what does it mean to merely survive as opposed to really living? (sorry for the split infinitives)

And what to do now that dusk has approached? How do I know it's even dusk? Mortality calls. Youth is waning, or health at least indicates that change is in order and priorities re-adjusted.

So, now I approach the long trailing line that has only diminished during meal times by maybe a few feet. A late-comer to the party, never daunted by that omni-present fact of my own self-fashioned futility that persists until I succeed despite odds, I resolve to take advantage of the plateau that has settled over my psyche to ready for a self-wrought peak. I must. I claim this plateau and ready myself to carve out a peak if need be.

There is no measure of my life except that which I determine I must do or be. I determine to have it all.